Happy New Year! I am nothing if not an overachiever, and my first resolution is to lose 10 pounds in only two days. This is a lofty goal, to be sure. Here is my game plan so far:
Step 1: Delude yourself that losing 10 pounds in two days is possible.
Step 2: Go to T.J. Maxx to buy yoga pants because everyone knows that yoga is exactly the high energy, cardio workout needed to melt 10 pounds in two days.
Step 3: Notice that sweatpants and yoga pants are all “on sale” at the front of the store. Refuse to be fooled by this. Go to the back of the store and find pajama bottoms of the same look and consistency of yoga and sweatpants but for $10 less. Feel smug and all powerful.
Step 4: Return home and decide that walking from the parking lot to the store and back to the car again is sufficient exercise for one day. You are on a clear and focused path toward meeting your achievable goal.
Step 5: Resolve to get up early the next day to embark on challenging exercise regime.
Step 6: Stay up too late working on a jigsaw puzzle and fail to achieve Step 5.
Step 7: Eat a hearty breakfast and lunch, then head downstairs to the treadmill.
Step 8: Notice that the clock above the TV isn’t working. Go back upstairs to search for a double A battery. Find one in the fifth place you look.
Step 9: Hang the clock back on the wall and return to the treadmill. Notice that the TV remote isn’t working. Go back upstairs to find two double A batteries. Find them in the first place you look. Feel smug and all powerful.
Step 10: Change TV channel to HGTV and press mute so you can read one of the British fashion magazines that your husband gave you for Christmas without being disturbed by chatter about kitchen cabinets and paint colors in a house you will never live in.
Step 11: Walk a brisk 2.5 miles per hour on flat surface for 30 minutes. Drink plenty of fruit smoothie for energy. Realize you are in such great shape, you didn’t even break a sweat.
Step 12: Decide not to weigh yourself. Let it be a surprise tomorrow when the scale says that you have, indeed, lost 10 pounds.