I had a phone interview recently with a publisher in California. I wanted to sound all professional and everything, so when he asked me how the weather was way out here in Rhode Island, it was all I could do not to say the @#$# word. As in, we’re covered in three feet of @#$# snow, and counting.
I managed to avoid saying the bad word, but just barely. People with this much snow need the @#$# word to help them maintain their reason, because it’s not really about the snow, it’s about sanity.
New Englanders by nature have strong mental constitutions. We need them or we’d all go off the deep end between the months of November and March. Actually, November is an okay time to have snow. It’s usually the first snow of the season and everyone is all like, “Oh my God, look! It’s snowing! Isn’t it pretty?”
We even get a little depressed if there is no snow on the ground as Christmas nears. “Aw,” we say to one another. “I guess we’re not going to have a white Christmas after all.”
It is mid-January when we all start to go off our rockers just a little bit, because not only by now is there snow, and plenty of it, there is also cold. Ongoing, incessant, brutal cold. The kind of cold that makes people snarly and crass and apt to say the @#$# word when they shouldn’t. The kind of cold that makes people cut others off while driving and not even care. And the drivers who’ve been cut off don’t even bother flipping the bird since all of their fingers are encased in mittens and it would just look like a friendly wave. And that is why we need the @#$# word. You can use it even while wearing mittens.
By late January, people are staring into their empty refrigerators and pantries and thinking, “I should really go to the store,” but they don’t because it’s too cold, and what with the snow banks, there would be no place to park. So now they’re cold and hungry and becoming dangerously cranky.
And then February arrives, and people are cold, hungry, and stir crazy, because if hunger doesn’t motivate them to leave the house, then nothing will. Sure, there’s work, but that keeps getting cancelled because of the @#$# snow. I mean, snow. No, you know what? I mean @#$# snow. I need the @#$# to maintain my sanity, because this post is about sanity, not snow.
It can’t be about both, because it’s February, and by this point, the two are mutually exclusive.